Its been hard these couple of days. Really hard.

Dont know what i should do to over come this weight.

Never knew loving someone was so difficult and that all the drama and heart aches and dilemmas can only happen in the movies.

...I officially have the front row seat to my very own now.

Day 1 of release. Nothing's working for me. I don't drink. I smoke. I jog. I try to concentrate on other stuff. But nothing seems to work for me.

If only you knew what you''e done to me. Look at  me, i look ridiculous doing this. I'm writing down my feelings in a blog and using an anonymous nick. Ridiculous.

God...i feel really stupid now...

Should i tell her? Maybe a big rejection will do the trick? Maybe the nudge i need now is in the form of her rejecting me? Should i?

She contacted me. Ask what was the quake thing all about. Explained it to her. But does she know, i've been there all these 4 years so near her. Just sitting there. 4 years i've just sat there alone. Didn't get to see her. Didn't go there hoping to see her, just to remember how we used to be. Happy moments.

I didn't have to be literally there with her to feel her.

After so many years have passed, i didnt call it "me being in love". But me just being bored and curious.

Maybe its time i put an end to all this. Carry on with my life. I mean really carry on. Leave the memories where it'll be forever, a place where it'll never fade...in my heart. 4 years alone without her. I never knew i could be this way.

God only knows the times i've spent looking up at the dark sky remembering her smile. Probably its best. I have to put down this tons of feelings i never should have felt.

I'll try to let you go. I promise. I'll try to. But you'll always be in a safe place. But i want you to know, i have always loved you...

I messaged her just now. Heard there was a slight quake near her area. I guess right when i thought to myself "i think shes asleep". Wanted to call her. But I better not. Was worried. Drove over to have a peek at her condo. Seemed ok. Put my gear into 1st, but my legs just didnt want go on the pedal. I knew it had nothing to do with my race clutch being heavy, but my heart. I stayed abit, and left as soon as i picked myself up.

What am i doing? Why cant i just let go? Where is all this leading me to? How can i expect to concentrate when all i think of is her?..

What am i doing? - making a complete fool of myself

Why cant i just let go? - n/a

Where is all this leading me? - n/a

How can i expect to concentrate when all i think of is her? - n/a

I dont even have the answer to my own questions. Nice. Where the hell am i supposed to go from here?

"...its painful when you cant be with the person you love most.."

I'm trying to keep it together, but i'm breaking apart. It just seems impossible. It just seems impossible to remove her from my heart.

Everytime i see her, i pretend i'm fine. But theres just this other part of me that wants to just turn around and hugggggg her.
I cant sleep when i have her on my mind. All the smiles, kissies, laughter.